Global Leaders Agree Climate Change Best Addressed By Strongly Worded Statements

GENEVA — In what's being hailed as a major breakthrough, representatives from 195 nations agreed yesterday that the most effective way to combat climate change is to continue issuing strongly worded statements expressing deep concern about the issue.

"Today marks a historic moment in our fight against climate change," announced UN Secretary-General Paulo Mendes at the conclusion of the two-week summit. "We have unanimously agreed to increase the frequency and urgency of our public statements by at least 25% over the next decade."

The agreement, formally titled the "Geneva Declaration on Climate Communication," outlines a comprehensive strategy for addressing global warming through carefully crafted press releases, impassioned speeches, and solemn declarations of intent.

"We've found that nothing moves the needle on climate action quite like a well-crafted statement expressing grave concern," explained French climate envoy Mathieu Dubois. "Particularly effective are phrases like 'time is running out,' 'at a critical juncture,' and 'must act now,' which we plan to use with increasing frequency."

The summit also established new guidelines for climate rhetoric, including a recommendation to increase the use of terms like "existential threat," "unprecedented crisis," and "point of no return" by at least 40% in all future communications.

"What makes this agreement truly groundbreaking is our commitment to not just make statements, but to make increasingly alarmed statements as temperatures continue to rise," said UK representative Emma Harrington. "We've developed a sliding scale of urgency that directly correlates with each 0.5°C increase in global temperature."

Environmental activists have cautiously welcomed the agreement, though some have expressed concern that it doesn't go far enough.

"While we appreciate the commitment to stronger language, we believe the situation calls for the addition of dramatic pauses and possibly table-pounding by 2027," said Greenpeace spokesperson Liam Chen.

The summit concluded with a 3,000-word communiqué expressing "profound concern" about the state of the planet, which participants agreed was their most strongly worded statement to date.