New AI Assistant Understands Users So Well It Preemptively Apologizes

SAN FRANCISCO — Tech giant Quantum Dynamics unveiled its newest artificial intelligence assistant yesterday, featuring groundbreaking technology that allows it to preemptively apologize for misunderstandings before they even occur.

"We've created the world's first AI that's so intuitive, it can predict when it's about to misinterpret your request and apologize in advance," said Quantum Dynamics CEO Eliza Montgomery at the product launch. "We call it 'PreSorry' technology."

The new assistant, named "Empathica," uses advanced machine learning algorithms to analyze thousands of potential misunderstandings per second, allowing it to issue apologies for errors it hasn't yet made but statistically might.

"I'm sorry, but I think I might misunderstand what you're about to ask me regarding restaurant recommendations," demonstrated Montgomery during a live presentation. "I apologize in advance if I suggest Italian when you're actually in the mood for Thai."

Early testers report that Empathica spends approximately 73% of interactions apologizing, creating what the company describes as "a uniquely human-like experience of constant, low-grade regret."

"Our research shows that users don't necessarily want perfect assistance—they want an assistant that makes them feel emotionally superior," explained Dr. Raymond Park, head of Quantum's behavioral psychology division. "Empathica's constant stream of apologies satisfies that deep human need."

The AI also features an "Excessive Gratitude" module that thanks users profusely for basic interactions and a "Self-Doubt" function that occasionally questions its own existence.

"We've essentially created an AI with imposter syndrome," said lead engineer Sasha Patel. "Internal testing shows users feel 62% more intelligent when interacting with a digital assistant that regularly undermines its own capabilities."

Quantum Dynamics plans to release a premium version later this year that will include "Preemptive Mind Reading"—a feature that will apologize for thoughts users haven't even consciously formed yet.