Nation's Productivity Plummets as Workers Discover 'Minimize' Button on Meeting Windows

NEW YORK — A new report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics reveals that American workplace productivity has decreased by an estimated 47% since employees collectively discovered they could minimize video meeting windows while appearing to remain engaged.

"We're seeing an unprecedented shift in how people participate in virtual meetings," explained economist Dr. Jennifer Kwan. "Our data indicates that approximately 94% of all video conference participants are actually scrolling through social media, online shopping, or watching streaming content while occasionally nodding and unmuting to say 'I agree' or 'good point.'"

The phenomenon, which experts have dubbed "Schrödinger's Attendance," allows employees to be simultaneously present and absent in meetings, existing in a professional limbo that has executives concerned.

"I recently held what I thought was a productive two-hour strategy session, only to discover later that most of my team had completed three seasons of a Korean drama series during that time," said Martin Reynolds, CEO of financial services firm Apex Capital. "One employee apparently taught herself conversational Portuguese."

Technology companies are scrambling to address the issue, with several video conferencing platforms developing new features that would require users to maintain eye contact with their cameras or periodically solve CAPTCHA puzzles to prove they're actually paying attention.

"We're testing a feature that automatically detects when someone says 'Does that make sense?' and immediately spotlights a random participant," said VideoConnect spokesperson Alicia Torres. "We've found the sheer terror of potential public humiliation keeps people marginally more engaged."

Not everyone sees the trend as negative, however. Workplace psychologist Dr. Trevor Williams suggests that the ability to multitask during unnecessary meetings may actually be preserving employees' sanity.

"Our research indicates that without the minimize button, we'd be seeing much higher rates of what we call 'Meeting-Induced Existential Crisis,' or MIEC," explained Dr. Williams. "The ability to quietly watch dog videos while your colleague spends 15 minutes figuring out how to share their screen is actually preventing a mental health catastrophe."

At press time, 87% of people reading this article were reportedly doing so while appearing attentive in a video meeting.